A mobile phone was ringing in the men's locker room and noone seemed to be picking it up. Then along came a short thin man and picked up the mobile and answered it.
Man: Hello?
Wife: Hey, how are you? how was your work out?
Man: Oh it was fine.
Wife: Yeah well, i was just passing by a jewelry store and i found a beautiful diamond pendant, something I always wanted. It only cost $12,000. The shop keeper says its a bargain. Can i get it?
Man:
Wife: Oh thank you. Oh and i just had a look at the new BMW model, and it is a beaut! But it seems a little expensive at $150,000, only it has so many afeatures with it. I thought it may replace our old Ladder.
Man: Yeah the Ladder is getting old. Ok, you can get it, but make sure you can get a little discount.
Wife: I'll try. Oh and you won't believe where i am standing. Its a beautiful Pent house and soooo atractive looking i can't get my eyes off it. It's worth over a million dollars but the real estate agent said we can pay installment each month and our old flat is quite run down.
Man: Well, i dunno, it seems a little too expensive for me.
Wife: Oh don't worry, our bank maybe willing to give us a loan.
Man: Well, ok if you think its right. Go ahead with it.
Wife: Oh, thank you i will sign the contracts right this very minute.
Man: Ok, bye!
Man hangs up the mobile phone. Then after a minute he holds it in the air and calls out to the rest of the men in the locker room "Does anyone know who this mobile belongs too?"
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Jokes Section!
ADMIN NOTE: WARNING!
I don't mind posting jokes, and this is a public forum. HOWEVER: Anyone posting an off-color, racially biased, or obscene joke will be warned...and if it is a repeat offence banned.
So keep it clean and friendly. By the way, I am a bigot when it comes to Ferengi, so those jokes are okay. But nothing else.
If you can't tell it to a little old lady sitting on a park bench as a complete stranger...then best not tell it here.
Jokes Section!
You'd be surprised at what I've told little old ladies on park benches. Well, bus benches, but whatever.
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Anyway, so this Ferengi walks into a dildo shop...
:wink:
Jokes Section!
oh my! Hey sorry if the above joke was offensive to someone, didn't mean it to be :oops:
Jokes Section!
I don't think yours was offensive. Dave was just troubleshooting, in case the future jokes would degenerate (and they would, for sure!) into d**k and fart humor. He wanted to nip it in the bud.
Jokes Section!
For the record, Sid and Heather are right. No offense in your joke at all. But this IS a public forum and as such is available to people who aren't as responsible or trustworthy as the members of the board. So I was just being careful. If it were a private forum I would not have said a word.
and I have a joke...
A woman gets home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags! I won the lottery!"
The husband says, "Oh my god! No kidding?! What should I pack, beach stuff, mountain stuff ...?"
The wife yells back, "It doesn't matter , ... just get the hell out!!!!
Jokes Section!
Here's one, but most ppl i told it to went "is that supposed to be funny?".
Anywayz, just wanted to share it with you guys and see what you think of it.
A husband comes home to his wife all sweating as if he ran a marathon or something. The, concered asks "What happened, why are you so tired looking?"
Husband: Well, I tried to catch the bus but arrived late and started running after the bus. By the time i caught it, i had arrived home. But anywayz, its good that i save $1."
The wife thinks "Well, why couldn't you run after a taxi and save $10?"
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Yeah, yeah, i know, not one of my best material.....
Jokes Section!
OK this started off wiht a lickle sweary word in it so i have starred that, but its such a funny joke I had to post it any way. plus the word isnt necessary its the general idea so.. anyway....
ok, so theres this man playing golf with the vicar, and the man misses a 3ft putt he's so angry, he says
"Damn! Missed the B**ger"
and hearing this the vicar says
"tut, tut. My son if you say that one more time, God will open up the heavens and strike you with a thunder bolt."
WEll the man nods, but this time, he misses a 2ft putt and proceeds to say:
"Damn! Missed the B**ger"
and with this, the heavens open, and a thunder bolt comes down and hits the priest. and from they heavens comes and almighty curse:
"Damn. Missed the B**ger!"
hahaha!
well it maded me laugh! sorry for any offensive/starred material. but its funny!
Jokes Section!
Ok, hope this one doesn't offend, although it is a bit off color.
A priest, new to his parish in New York City, decides to take the bus to a convent in a bad area. He gets on the bus, but is unsure of the area of town, and therefore, gets off too early. He is only three blocks from the convent, though, and it is a nice day, so he decides to walk the rest of the way.
Just after getting off the bus, he prepares to cross the street, but there is a woman in tight, revealing clothes standing on the corner. Eyeing the priest, the woman calls out, "Hey, Father, blow job 15 bucks!"
The priest is confused by the woman's words and a bit uncomfortable with her brazen attitude and tone. He quickly crosses the street and hurries to the end of the block. When he arrives at the street corner, there is another woman, similarly dressed, standing there.
As the priest prepares to cross, once again the woman on the corner calls out, "Hey, Father, blow job, 15 bucks."
The priest is again disconcerted and becoming more agitated. He quickly crosses the street and makes his way down the block. At this street corner, though, he finds yet another woman, and as he begins to cross, she calls out, "Hey, Father, blow job, 15 bucks."
The priest is by this point completely freaked. He very nearly runs the rest of the way to the convent and hurries up the walk. Panting from his exertion, the priest rings the bell, and the Mother Superior opens the door, ushering him inside.
The priest stands inside the doorway, breathing heavily from his ordeal, and looking quite upset. Concerned, the Mother Superior asks, "Are you okay, Father? You seem quite upset."
The priest nods. "Oh, Sister," he says, "I'm sorry. It's just I am so very confused. Can you tell me something?"
The nun agrees.
"Sister, tell me, what's a 'blow job'?" the priest asks.
The nun replies sternly, "15 bucks! Same as on the street!"
They're Made of Meat
Okay, actually going to post this, even though it is longish. Lifted from http://www.staff.uiuc.edu/~hchandle/Meat.html - which will include the history of the joke as the person who put it up recieved it. Enjoy!
"They're made out of meat."
"Meat?"
"Meat. They're made out of meat."
"Meat?"
"There's no doubt about it. We picked several from different parts of the planet, took them aboard our recon vessels, probed them all the way through. They're completely meat."
"That's impossible. What about the radio signals? The messages to the stars."
"They use the radio waves to talk, but the signals don't come from them. The signals come from machines."
"So who made the machines? That's who we want to contact."
"They made the machines. That's what I'm trying to tell you. Meat made the machines."
"That's ridiculous. How can meat make a machine? You're asking me to believe in sentient meat."
"I'm not asking you, I 'm telling you. These creatures are the only sentient race in the sector and they're made out of meat."
"Maybe they're like the Orfolei. You know, a carbon-based intelligence that goes through a meat stage."
"Nope. They're born meat and they die meat. We studied them for several of their life spans, which didn't take too long. Do you have any idea the life span of meat?"
"Spare me. Okay, maybe they're only part meat. You know, like the Weddilei. A meat head with an electron plasma brain inside."
"Nope. We thought of that, since they do have meat heads like the Weddilei. But I told you, we probed them. They're meat all the way through."
"No brain?"
"Oh, there is a brain all right. It's just that the brain is made out of meat!"
"So... what does the thinking?"
"You're not understanding, are you? The brain does the thinking. The meat."
"Thinking meat! You're asking me to believe in thinking meat!"
"Yes, thinking meat! Conscious meat! Loving meat. Dreaming meat. The meat is the whole deal! Are you getting the picture?"
"Omigod. You're serious then. They're made out of meat."
"Finally, Yes. They are indeed made out meat. And they've been trying to get in touch with us for almost a hundred of their years."
"So what does the meat have in mind."
"First it wants to talk to us. Then I imagine it wants to explore the universe, contact other sentients, swap ideas and information. The usual."
"We're supposed to talk to meat?"
"That's the idea. That's the message they're sending out by radio. 'Hello. Anyone out there? Anyone home?' That sort of thing."
"They actually do talk, then. They use words, ideas, concepts?"
"Oh, yes. Except they do it with meat."
"I thought you just told me they used radio."
"They do, but what do you think is on the radio? Meat sounds. You know how when you slap or flap meat it makes a noise? They talk by flapping their meat at each other. They can even sing by squirting air through their meat."
"Omigod. Singing meat. This is altogether too much. So what do you advise?"
"Officially or unofficially?"
"Both."
"Officially, we are required to contact, welcome, and log in any and all sentient races or multibeings in the quadrant, without prejudice, fear, or favor. Unofficially, I advise that we erase the records and forget the whole thing."
"I was hoping you would say that."
"It seems harsh, but there is a limit. Do we really want to make contact with meat?"
"I agree one hundred percent. What's there to say?" `Hello, meat. How's it going?' But will this work? How many planets are we dealing with here?"
"Just one. They can travel to other planets in special meat containers, but they can't live on them. And being meat, they only travel through C space. Which limits them to the speed of light and makes the possibility of their ever making contact pretty slim. Infinitesimal, in fact."
"So we just pretend there's no one home in the universe."
"That's it."
"Cruel. But you said it yourself, who wants to meet meat? And the ones who have been aboard our vessels, the ones you have probed? You're sure they won't remember?"
"They'll be considered crackpots if they do. We went into their heads and smoothed out their meat so that we're just a dream to them."
"A dream to meat! How strangely appropriate, that we should be meat's dream."
"And we can marked this sector unoccupied."
"Good. Agreed, officially and unofficially. Case closed. Any others? Anyone interesting on that side of the galaxy?"
"Yes, a rather shy but sweet hydrogen core cluster intelligence in a class nine star in G445 zone. Was in contact two galactic rotation ago, wants to be friendly again."
"They always come around."
"And why not? Imagine how unbearably, how unutterably cold the universe would be if one were all alone."
Jokes Section!
Another fun article to link to, How to Be a Philosopher (if we can't poke fun at our own chosen professions, or future professions, too bad :) ). http://www.philosophersnet.com/article.php?id=540
Jokes Section!
An english profesor wrote the words A woman without her man is nothing on the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it.
All the men in the class came up with A woman: without her man, is nothing.
All the women in the class wrote A woman: without her, man is nothing
Punctuation is everything
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Why did the chicken cross the road?
Colonial Sanders: I missed one?
Are you a Professional?
The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and tells whether you are qualified to be a "professional".
Scroll down for each answer. The questions are not that hard.
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
The correct answer is. Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door.
This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Wrong Answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the refrigerator.
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.
This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your actions.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer: The Elephant. The Elephant is in the refrigerator.
This tests your memory. OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your abilities.
4. There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles.
How do you manage it?
Correct Answer: You swim across. All the Crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting.
This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
According to Andersen Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many preschoolers got several correct answers.
Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four year old.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT
The Qantas Airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle in 1st Class and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle he noticed that a well dressed rather exotic looking middle eastern woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us to the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country I am called a
princess. I take orders from no one." To which the flight attendant replied without missing a beat, "Well sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen so I outrank you. Put the tray up, Bitch."
Jokes Section!
Top Ten Things to say to your boss when caught sleeping on your job:
10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."
8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time!"
7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."
6. I was just testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"
4. "Why did you inter! rupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
3. "The coffee machine is broken..."
2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."
And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk...
1. " ... in Jesus' name. Amen."