Marvin the squirell had a good life. He got to rummage through garbage cans and hide nuts all summer and then dig them up in thespring and he liked it that way.He had lots of wonderful friends like Tomas the beaver and Dr. Turtle. And they used to come over and play poker on Wednesday nights.
But Marvin was hiding a terrible secret: something he had never told a living soul. Marvin...
wanted more than anything in his life, to learn to write epic poetry. The problem was of course twofold. On the one hand, squirrels are terrible at poetry, and on the other hand, squirrels can't write because they lack opposable thumbs. As this was the case, Marvin often grew depressed as he saw his dream as hopeless. That is until one fine fall day, when...
Thomas the beaver decided to make Marvin's dream come true. He decided that Marvin needed a good teacher so he brought together all his magical objects (he was a part time magician) and decided to raise William Blake from the dead.This however caused Marvin...
...great discomfort."Thomas Blake?" Marvin said. "He was a hack."
"A hack?" said Thomas.
"A hack," Marvin said.
"A hack?" said Thomas.
"I believe I just said that."
So Marvin went to see Dr. Turtle in his house by the sea.
"Dr. Turtle, Dr. Turtle. Can you give me thumbs and the ability to write epic poetry so that epic poetry I can write with a pencil between my two thumbs and assorted fingers?"
"Er," Dr. Turtle said, "sure. Yeah. Whatever."
"Yay."
"But first you must read Aristotle's The Poetics for a sense of drama."
"Awww. Must I?"
"Either that or you can try--"
"I'll try that! I'll try that!"
"You didn't even know what I was going to--"
"Thanks, Doc!"
Marvin ran up the dune and back to the park so he could rub this turn of events in that stupid beaver's face.
But at the top of the dune...
... stood a Jabberwocky, in the process of...
jabbing an every jocky that went past.Seeing this Marvin punched....
himself in the jaw. Becasue he was obvioulsy delusional. *I knew I should never have had a walnut martini before dinner * he thought.The monsters and strangeness tamed (but they danced a quadrille in his mind anyway), he topped the dune to find a vast plain of trees. Each of them bearing nuts the likes of which he had never seen. They were bigger than his head.
Marvin began to quiver and shake in extasy, his epic quest of epics forgotten for the mement. When from behind him he heard...
a lyrical, haunting melody being played on a kazoo. Marvin turned to find the kazoo being played by a melancholy clown wearing only one...
A bikini and a shower cap. He also had a bright blue nose instead of a red one. Another thing wierd about him was....
His eyes were catlike and green, with small black slits for pupils. He carried in one hand a large, sinister looking...
Water pistol that he aimed at Marvin. Marvin forgot about the field of nuts on the other side of the dune, and he forgot about the melancholy tune, and he forgot to think about his lack of thumbs and he decided all he could do was...
a quick soft shoe routine he'd been working on with his best pal, and choreographer, Judy the Toucan. Marvin began to step-ball-chain his way out of the area, when in flew...
...an emu, wearing a strange cape and zorro mask, carrying, in it's claws, a big fish . "Never fear!!! Emu-man is here!!!" screamed ...
The Emu as he crash landed (dropping his fish in the process) upon remembering that Emu's are a flightless bird and incapable of flying anywhere short of being fired from a catapult. Marvin did a par d' deux over to the Emu and...
grabbed the fish. For a split second he didn't know what to do with the fish. Then he suddenly took the fish and slapped the clown in the face with it.Dazed the clown stepped back and started....
... talking in some sort of language that no one could understand.in response to this, Marvin and the Emu...
began to laugh hysterically and throw wet bread at the clown. They found the bread in a bucket that the penguin was carrying. The penguin had just arrived on the stagecoach. The penguin watched the bread throwing with avid interest, and finally said...
...Nothing, because it was a penguin and therefore incapable of speech. And actually the penguin might have been confused if it were capable of emotion because upon looking around it realised it was somewhere in the middle of a forest - no wait, not a forest, in the middle of a sandy beach by the sea... and for that matter, had just climbed from a stagecoach. The penguin knew, for some reason that it really shouldn't be here and that none of what had just happened could POSSIBLY be happening, unless, the poor penguin had unwittingly been slipped some LSD. Disgusted with this thought (well the penguin WOULD be disgusted if it were capable of such emotion) the penguin waddled over to the coach and rode away.All the while during this battle of wills....
... The clown had devised a method of communication using mainly balloon animals. By use of this strange dialect, he managed to say....
... well it wasn't so much SAY as it was SPELL. Anyhow, the clown made several balloon letters and then lay them across the beach in sequence to spell out the word -G R I M A L D I
Well all the other animals were quite confounded by this cryptic message, Marvin scratched his little furry head in pondorous frustraition while the clown pointed frantically at the message...
...Marvin nodded and twiddled his non-apposable thumbs. He understood pefectly. The clown was referring to...
"I'd Lam. I Rg." Which only made sense if you understood...
People who talk backwards, which no one did, so they didn't understand a word. The clown got pretty pissed that no one knew that Grimaldi was a famous clown. In fact he was the clown's rolemodel.The clown was SO pissed that he got a pin and burst every single balloon on the beach, including one being held by a little 6 year old girl - who began to cry. The clown laughed manically, as he ran up and down the beach in his oversized floppy shoes (which squeaked like a little guina pig).
Marvin didn't do a thing, all the while watching the clown. He turned his head towards the emu and raised one of his little furry eyebrows (or he would if he had any). The emu turned back to Marvin and...
...pecked his eye out, this wasn't because he didn't like Marvin but because the Emu was hungry and Marvins eye looked like a juicy snack.Marvin...
began to howl in pain and run willy nilly around the beach (well, what would you do if an emu pecked out your eye?) The noise and spectacle distracted the clown from his angry, maniacal tirade. He stared at Marvin trying to figure out what was going on. Along came a spider...
Named Fred. Fred the spider had a bum knee but it didn't bother him much since he had 7 others to take up the slack. But when Marvin was running around like a crazed squirell (since he was) he kicked that knee. Hard.Fred couldn't help it and he bit the neared thing he could lay his fangs into...which happened to be the emu.
Emus (you may or may not have known) are deatly allergic to spiders. So the emu's leg began to swell up like a huge balloon. The clown (who had also been running around like a crazed squirell) saw this opportunity to make a bold statement and grabbed the emu's leg and twisted it into the shape of...
A spider. As the emu is allegic to spiders he started howling in pain, not only from his swollen leg that was in the shape of a spider but also because Marvin's eyes tasted like the emu had just eaten a barrel full of spiders.The emu spat the eyes out, which instantly were grabbed by......
the clown who began to juggle them. Marvin would have protested but he couldn't see and the emu was in agony as well...that left the spider who said...
"Whoa, dude," and stared with his mandibles hanging open. He had never seen anyone juggling eyeballs before...well, except for that one time at camp and that really didn't count. The spider sat down and watched the clown, mesmerized. "You're awesome," the spider's voice was hushed.The clown was so inspired by the compliment, he began to compose a song while he juggled that went something like this...
"Oh spiddy,
my heart is lively,
as i juggle these eyes,
my blood is turned to ice,I get a compliment as such,
you have made me love you sooooo much,oh spiddy spiddy,
pls MARRY MEEEEE!"The clown finished, and bowed on his knees and produce a ring made out of a balloon.
But the spider....
...was no where to be seen. The clown stood up and looked around in confusion. Suddenly he realised what had happened, lifting up his oversized shoe he saw the squished remains of said spider smeared across the underside of his shoe."Er, oops" said the clown - for the first time in his life deciding to speak rather than animate his speech with balloons.
Marvin couldn't see what had happened - of course, he was now legally blind, especially as the clown dropped his eyes onto the beach and the ocean tide swept them out to sea. The emu was having a terrible time, what with his swollen leg and having an allergy to spiders he couldn't really give a shit if that pissy little arachnid had bit the dust.
The clown quickly wiped the remaining spider goo from his shoe on a sea shell and then flung it in the ocean after Marvin's eyes.
"Well, that was certainly interesting" said the clown as he sat himself down on a dune to think...
...*maybe I was never supposed to be a clown I'm not really any good at it, maybe I should have been an emu plucker like dad said*
the clown who's real name was Clancy, deep in thought, reached out and grabbed some dry driftwood laying on the beach, he gathered up a bit more and piled it up.
He lit a match and threw it onto the pile of wood which imediatly lit up into a big bonfire.
He reached down and grabbed the now dead Emu and thru him onto the...
...bonfire, making it into a fine funeral pyre. The clown was struck by the thought that in order to do justice to the emu, he should have done this with it on a ship, giving a good send-off to Valhalla.Then the oddest thing happened. While Marvin continued to scurry around, the spirit of the dead emu rose from the flames, rubbed spit on his eyes, and restored his sight (after several attempts). He then turned to the clown and said....
..."Aaah! There's Emu spit in my eyes"" and rubbled Frantically.At this, Clancy...
Grabbed Marvin and dashed his head against a rock, then he took his carcass and cleaned it from the fur. It was kind of bloodthirsty of him he thought, just killing Marvin like that - just for his fur, and squirrel fur at that, not even a truely marketable fur like a mink.Anyway, Clancy could only attribute this latest murderous outburst to all the stress he had been under lately. He'd always felt inadequate as a clown, and this only confirmed all his years of repressed fears. Besides, his wife Nancy would appreciate the fur, she hadn't had anything so classy since Clancy had been president of Doc.Com - his brainchild of getting a medical examination on the net. He'd made a mint, then lost everything with one bad investment. Who would have thought that Organ Donars on Ebay would have bombed like that?
Clancy cleaned the blood off his hands and picked up the fur. Marvin, the emu and spidy were dead, the penguin had boarded a stage for the South Pole. All that was left for him to do was...
go to MArvins home and steal the poor dead squirell out off all the riches possessed by him. *Well not stealing* thought Clancy *as Marbin is now dead*The clown happily flung the Marvin-fur on his back and started to find his way to Marvin's home. As he didn't know Marvin's home, not having met and killing Marvin before, he decided to put on Marvins fur, act like Marvin and ask some of the squrile's friends for money and address to Marvin's home.
But little did he know that.....
As a squirrel all Marvin's 'riches' were nuts, nuts and more nuts. Also, Marvin was much smaller than Clancy and the fur plan didn't quite work, seeing as Marvin's fur could barely cover Clancy's hand.Abandoning this plan Clancy decided to go back home to his wife Nancy - give her the fur and... *hopefully get something in return, heh, heh, heh*
However, on his way home...
The Big Bad Wolf began to stalk Clancy the Clown. He knew he was going home to his wife, Nancy, and was determined to eat her.But Clancy the Clown was savy to the ways of the wild wood, so he...
led the Wolf into the local Woodcutters of America union house and sat back to watch the gory mayhem. Clancy grabbed a bowl of peanuts from an empty table and watched the Woodcutters dismantle the Wolf in record time. When they were done, the Woodcutters returned to their games of pool and darts, leaving the cleaned carcass and a neat stack of wolf steaks behind. Feeling even more proud of his ingenuity, Clancy grabbed the steaks and the wolf's fur coat, and headed out once again to his lovely wife, whistling...
..Yankie Doodle Dandy. Which was strange because Clancy was a Canadian. Whistling this song made Clancy home sick for the freezing snowy territories of his native homeland. As a child Clancy's family had lived in a little log cabin and eaten snow when there was nothing else to be had.Deciding that life as a clown was never going to make Clancy happy he decided to return to Canada. But an out of work murderous clown didn't really have alot of money. As Clancy walked the long walk home an evil plan began to develop in his twisted little mind...
... Indeed, Clancy was slowly becoming a extremely disturbed individual. The prospect that he had turned homosidal in a very small space of time had a big impact on this plan, as...
he had planned on becoming a politician. *Now how will they take me in? Well, then again, maybe they would!*Clancy walked home humming to himself and whistling occutionally.
He had almost reached home to give his wife the gift when he realised....
...his wife Nancy had died 3 years ago *damn memory loss*
***FLASHBACK MODE***
It was a normal day and Clancy was coming home from a hard days clowning around when he blacked out (Clancy gets blackouts where he passes out,wakes up hours later and can't remember what has happened or how he ended up in a different place) when he came too he was on the floor of his home with a...
with a knife in his hand and blood all around him. He got up to see that he was the fact that his wife was dead on the floor next to him. Then he remembered his black out.Clancy felt dizzy, came throught the door. He smelled baked potatoes and cream. His wife had made baked potatoes and cream AGAIN! Clancy looked around and found a knife. *Never again shall i have baked potatoes and cream*
Clancy still felt dizzy but good, still holding the knife. He went.....
... to the toilet. THis being quite necessary to prevent further spoilage of his stripey trousers which were already covered in blood, mashed potatos and cream. After relieving himself, Clancy...
looked at his went....and went back to the toliet..*God, and i thought she'd never look more ugly then before...guess i was wrong*Clancy then takes his wife's body and ....
burries it under the patio, sure no one will ever find it there - well at least not for some time by which Clancy was sure he would have made enough money from his DOC.COM business. Hell! He was even thinking of investing in his pals new idea of auctioning organs on Ebay. Life sure was sweet!Plus Clancy would have all the money that Nancy usually spent on frivolities like soap and toothpaste. He had plans for that money, he was going to put it all into his new clown enterprise, he'd seen a cute little miniture car, it even had a horn that played La Cucaracha - now THAT was class!
Remembering all this made Clancy sad, "Organs on Ebay! What a fool I was!" he cried to nobody in particular.
Unfortunately Clancy's neighbour WAS listening. She heard Clancy talk to himself, saw him with the wolf steaks, and the fur, and decided that he'd finally flipped - long overdue concidering his wife had left him, and he was having all those drainage problems with his patio - enough to drive any out of work clown insane. He'd even had his little car impounded. The neighbour dialed the local assylum and in minutes they had Clancy strapped into a nice straightjacket on his way to the compound...
in no time Clancy was at the asylum. Clancy was put in a nice padded room were a nice man named Jack gave him a nice injection that made Clancy feel real nice.Clancy struggled against his restraints for a while but gave up coz he couldn't be stuffed and the drugs were making him kind of sleepy.
Clancy wanted more of these nice drugs so he screamed out to the nice man named Jack "I want more drugs you damn lyma bean eating flower child and while your there buy me a pound of butter and a fish stick"
Which of corse made perfect sense to Clancy because...
...He was crazy. And, more to the point...
...he was also a homosidal murderer, and they still hadn't found the bodies.*And they never will* thought Clancy as he laughed "Mwaha, MWahaha, MWAHAHAHAHAH"
The orderly heard Clancy laughing and thought it was time for another shot of the old loopy juice. In moments Clancy was passed out on the floor, dreaming about his homeland of Canada.
*AAAAhhhhh Canadaaaaaa* he thought to himself....
"It seems like only yesterday when i was in Canada"Flash Back mode 2
Clancy's dad used to be a clown to, he had ran away and joined a circus, when he had met Bony The Very Cranky Female Clown, and married her.
Ofcourse BTVCFC killed Clancy's father after clancy was born, that is why...
...not so much 'WHY' but 'WHERE' Clancy got his murderous tendencies from. But yes, back to the point and Canadaaaaa - land of many 'a's, mountains, snow and erm, mounties...
and and...ppl speaking french, and and a flag..wait every country has flags. Thinking that clancy started giggling and then laughing and more laughing but louder until he had gone absolutly hesterical."Tch, tch tch" Said Joe. Joe was the other mental patient next to clancy. To shut clancy up because well he needed shutting up, Joe moved over to clancy and said "Hey Clancy have you heard about the twelve monkeys"
Clancy stooped laughing and looked up and said "Well actually.....
"...there were thirteen, you see what most people don't know is..."
that the whole project is headed by the thirteenth monkey...the HEAD MONKEy . Joe shakes his head because...
...his nose is itchy and he's wearing a restrictive straight jacket so he can't scratch it.Joe decided to scratch his nose on the floor and topled forward onto his face.
Clancy stopped muttering about the thirteenth monkey to himself to turn and laugh at Joe who was now stuck laying on his face with no way to lift himself up.
Joe was stuck the only way he could possibly get himself up was to...
call upon the king of the rats to chew on the straight jacket so he could get up. Joe then started to sing to call the king rat. Who came, chewed on the jacket and left. Joe then got up, straightened himself, sat on his bed.He then took the straight jacket, took a sewing pin with a thread (which he kept under in his bed, hidden) and stitched the straight jacket so it was fixed and put it back on.
Clancy looked at Joe and now knew that he was mad. "Hey joe" He said "Why did you put the jacket back on"
Joe merrily replied....
"They're all the rage this season, and I don't want to be the only inmate who ISN'T wearing one, all the other loonatics will laugh at me"Clancy sighed, remembering that Joe was insane, and that he himself was supposed to be insane, although he most obviously was NOT....
...the King of the Rats. He just hadn't got the nose for it. Where had his majesty got to anyway? Clancy looked around to find...
Queen of the cats....yes you read right, the queen of the cats...Clancy was infact the queen of the cats....He smiled evilishly thinking of the rath he would bring upon all the rats of the Joe clan...
Clancy blew his whistle and on appeared three cats....from somewhere, but there they were.
Joe looked at the cats in shock and decided....
... that he would very quickly drop the whole rat thing and become the Knave of Dogs. After donning the necessary attire (another straight jacket) he turned to clancy and his/her cats with an evil grin and said...
"Lord of the Dogs I call upon thee to make me thy Knave" Joes eyes turned black as he raised his heads and chanted. Clancy grew afraid and backed to the wall, as he knew wat was coming."Lord of the dogs, i call upon you to make me thy Knave by speaking your most holy words....'Bow, Bow Bow, Woof woo woof, arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr-ruff!"
Then with a loud.....
...sound that could only be described as "harflesnarflenarflesnarf"However, all he succeeded in summoning was Larry the janitor.
Ammed with only his mop, Larry...
came the king of the dogs with bright light all around him, he was non other then.....Droppy?Both Clancy and Joe blinked and what they saw. The droopy ol' dog, ummmm..Droppy was there.
"Hello Bob. sorry you can't be the knave, cause that's what my son dripple is...."
Hearing that Joe......
...quickly ripped his straight jacket off, tore his own eyes out, ripped one of his own legs off and began beating himself around the head with it.Seeing this Clancy thought *gee that guy certainly is...
the son of the emu....why didn't i notice that before......?* Clancy looked closer and joe did look like the emu because....
He had feathers and a beak and Clancy wondered why he'd never noticed it before! Suddenly the cell door opened and an orderly came in.Clancy was confused when suddenly Joe and the rats/cats/bats - well basically the whole zoo-a-rama that had been this room only two seconds ago all VANISHED!!
"Come on Clown Boy" said the orderly, taking Clancy by the shoulder and leading him down the corridor to the day room...
where Professor Jobguts waited.Professor Jobguts was a phyca....phyika....saca....a shrink. Yes, he was a shrink, but he hated his job. Rumor had it that he took his most irratating patients and killed them. He had called Clancy because....
Basically it was his job to interview the new inmates and make an evaluation of their mental condition - yes, boring, that's why he hated his job and invariably ended up killing people.(It seems that the good Doctor Jobguts and Clancy might be well suited?)
Clancy lay back on the couch as Jobby G asked his first question - "So, Mr Clancy, tell me about your childhood..."
*child hood* Clancy thought, *oooohh those were the days*Clancy's memories: 1) Clancy hitting a boy.
2) Clancy kicking the a boy with his clown shoes.
3) Clancy getting scolded by his mom.*ok, maybe the last one isn't that memorable.*
The Jobby G was waiting....
... and Clancy looked him up and down. THen he noticed something."Hey Jobguts... did anyone ever tell you you looked kinda like that guy Anthony Hopkins?"
To this Jobguts replied
"Its funny you should mention that because...."
"...Everyone says that and MY therapist told me it's the trigger for my murderous nature. So that whenever anyone asks if anyone has ever told me that I look like Anthony Hopkins I get an uncontrollable urge to do the killing. Don't you think that is interesting?"Clancy stared blankly at the doctor as he reached into his top drawer...
...and pulled out a banana. This was ironic because...
Clancy loved bananas, as he was a clown and eating bananas and tripping over their peels was first lesson in the clown school and also with this banana JG wanted to cause clancy's death by the most gruesome way as possible, by the means ofDeath, by the scare of the banana *whatever that is*. But that would surely not work on clancy. So JG.....
...taunted Clancy by slowly unpeeling the banana from it's silky yellow sheath, one by one, tantalisingly removing every inch of that golden outer casing. Then he slowly took the banana in his mouth and then without warning bit the end off.Clancy's eyes bugged out. Suddenly he launched forward and grabbed the banana and began wrestling the doctor Jobby G for possession of the fruit. As they fought the office door opened and...
in came Dr. Banana. Yes, there was actually a doctor in a banana suit.The twosome fighting on the floor stopped and gaped at the doctor.
"What!" he said, shrugging his shoulders, "its fruit day!"
Clancy, at the sight of two bananas, one a real fruit and one a man as the real fruit, he became very......
...Fruity. Dr Banana excused himself and left the room. Clancy struck while Dr G was distracted and grabbed his banana. He proceeded to run around the room with it screaming when suddenly...
he remembered his self-defenSe training and ate the banana thus disarming his opponant. He then proceeded to the next part of the training and...
remembered he NEEDED the banana to trip upon and he just remembered he had ate the banana whole. So he proceeded to puke the banana out so that he could trip on it. But this wasn't a good idea because...
It was really, really disgusting!! Jobby pressed the panic button under his desk and it wasn't long before an ordaly appeared and strapped Clancy back into his straight jacket and marched him back down the corridor towards his cell...
which clancy noticed was not his cell. It seemed that he had been tranferred from Joe's cell to another one. Here he found one boy sitting in the corner with his legs pressed to his chest, rocking.Clancy sat on his bed and asked the boy his name, cause well, his name would be good to know.
"My name," The boy muttered "It's, it's Gunther, and the world, its destroyed, destroyed i tell ya, haheheheheheheheh!"
Clancy thought this was funny too and started laughing hesterically too, but......
...stopped suddenly when he realised that the door had been left unlocked. Clancy couldn't understand quite why this would happen, as most of the people working at the hospital were very experienced. But still, he was not going to pass up a chance like this. He grabbed his straight jacket, and was just about to leave, when...
Gunther grabbed clancy's legs."Don't go! Pls, the world is destroyed, don't leave me here!"
Clancy thought that this boy was being stupid so he slapped him twice and...
... then suddenly woke up in bed. It was all a dream. He wasn't even Clancy. Instead he was...
an Anroid from outer space. He had been sleeping on a spaceship who was carrying him to earth so that he could attempt to destroy it. But he knew he couldn't destroy earth because....
...it was already destroyed. He'd forgotten who, but some one had told him. Anyway, the android thought about his current position, and then promptly...
went to start space nine, whatever that is. *or where ever that is* the bot thought. HIs ship was going on its course to the-what-ever land, when another sace ship came in and hijacked his wessel.After his ship was in the other ship he opened his hatch and came out. In front of him stood people in red and blue uniforms with their light phasers drawn out.
A man in a red suit stepped forward and said "Helllo, my name is Jean Luc Picard of the start ship enterprise, i would like to know.....
At that point the mental hospital orderly came up and switched off the television set that Clancy had fallen asleep in front of."What? The what with the who?" said Clancy waking up sharply and looking around. "I had the strangest dream" he said looking at the orderly. "And you were there, and you and so were you!"
"Come on Dorothy" said the orderly "time to go back to Kansas..."
"KANSAS!!!" Clancy screamed "KANSAS!!! But i am Canadian!!!!!!!!""Ohhh" said the orderly, "Well, be it Toronto then"
"But i want to go to Kansas" said clancy.
At this point the orderly was about to slap clancy silly when from behind him a women in a black leather pants and jacket and shirt came and hit the orderly on the head. The orderly fell down unconcious.
The women then turned to Clancy and said extended her arm and said "My name is Trinity, and you and Neo. The Matrix has you neo and i......
... need your help. YOu see the world really was destroyed, and your conciousness and all of those around you are trapped in the matrix...
"SEE?" Shouted Gunther before Trinity slapped him upside the head."Shhh! We need to get out of here!" So Clancy followed Trinnity out of his cell and...
but unfortunatly infront of then a group of orderlys had gathered around them. Neo/clancy looked at Trinity, knowing that she would leap up and about kicking the orderly's ass.Trinity looked at the orderlys then at Neo/clancy, and gave a shrug of her shoulders and said "Well i tried to break you free, oh well, never mind, enjoy the matrix" and she left, walking.....
...A giant cheese wheel made of fish rolled by...
...everyone turned and watched it roll by and then went back to what they were doing...
Clancy/Neo was gone!The orderlies started twisting there heads around in a vain attempt to find him. One took the extra effort to lift up a pen.
"Look!" An orderly in white said pointing at the giant cheese wheel of fish that was rolling off into the distant corridors.
Yup. There, sitting on top of it was...
...a mouse but that wasn't what the orderly was pointing at what he was actually pointing at was the cat chaseing the cheese wheel of fish, they all stood and stared. Meanwhile Clancy/Neo continued on his way down the other...
[] the other cheese made of fish....wait...Clancy/Neo stared, the *other fish cheese. This was too much to take in. And there, leaning with her elbow to the wall, none other then Trinity filing her nails.Clancy just looked at her. She looked up then said, "oh wait, sorry, i think i was supposed to say something here,ummmm, ahhhh, yes i remember now" then she becomes more serious "Neo, that was a glinch in the matrix."
Then she grabs Clancy/NEos arm and.....[/]
...to both of their surprises, it came straight off. IN trinities hand."well..." She started "THis is obviously a sign. We must take you to Elrond to find out wht it means!"
"Elrond, who's he?" asks Neo/Clancy.Trinity stops to look at him. "Well, we used to have an Oracle. But she didn't provide any useful information and always gave us bad news and most important of all MADE NASTY COOKIES!!!" Trinity shudders, then continues, "So we found Elrond who is our new oracle-replacement-infromation-reporter, or the ORIR..."
"Error?"
"no no, the ORIR, O.R.I.R....anywayz, lets go..." To this Trinity takes Clancy's other hand, checks to see that it is on tight and drags him off to.....
...see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of...
Timbucktoo,"Hey, wait-a-minute, Timbucktoo, but i thought we were going to see the erro....the orir?" Asked Clancy/Neo.
"Well we are, but.....
..first I need to find me a heart! and you a...
another arm, i mean what would the wonderful wizard of Timbucktoo think if we took you to him in pecies" and Trinity hadn't even finished her statement when all of a sudden.....
...she sneezed.
"Oh God no!" Trinity screamed, wiped her nose and screamed again. "This can only mean one thing...
Its the atact of the killer sneezes.....ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" With that she ran away flailing her arms, leaving clancy all alone in the......
...boiling cauldren surrounded by evil vacant squirrels."Oh no!" Clancy/Neo screamed...then paused. "Wait! How the hell did i get here."
He looked to a squirrel who was casually passing by with a flamethrower. The squirrel shrugged, pulled a script out of his shorts and flipped through it scratching his furry little head. "I don't know! By all accounts it doesn't make sense."
Clancy/Neo leaned back in confusion and...
decided that after all that had happened, he deserved a nice hot bath, so Calncy grabbed the squrrel before it could say anything and used it to scrub his back (he is nuts you know).Clancy then lay back but then all of a sudden the canibals, the one cooking Clancy said....
... "Y'know, I think he needs some salt!" The squirrel motioned with his hand, and a large bag of salt came and diposited itself on Clancy. On closer inspection there wer several small squirrels underneath, each twitching their noses furiously.Observing such a strange custom, Clancy began to...
laugh, he laughed and laughed till his eyes started to water and vocie was heard all over. This laughter was soon heard by the...
...massive, murderous, vegetarian polar bear who was eating a vegimite sandwich...
suddenly lifted his head and sniffed in the way of Clancy *ummmm, A nice-salty-rare-boiled-clown-possibly-the-one-to-control-the-matrix man smells rather nice*. He crept further towards Clancy who had no idea a killer massive vegetarian bear was coming behind him.The bear sniffed again and changed his mind from being a vegetarian and decided to become a meat eater because.......
...the phsychotic squirrels had started shoving stuffing into each other and set themselves in tiny little bake ovens on 200 degrees celcius for three hours.They smelt delicious.
Bearie, the polar bear, then...
... waited for all the little "ping" noises to tell that the squizzles were done.Mouth watering, Bearing picked one up, put it in his mouth, and spat it out again screaming "AAHH, MY MOUT, MY MOUTH! THEY'RE TOO HOT" and ran all the way to...
to Never never land, because there never never did your tongue grow, as Bearies tongue would grow because it would start to swell. But his tongue started to swell anywayz because.....
...upon nearly entering never never land Bearie cracked and ran screaming into the night.Somewhere in the distance a Banshee fell in love.
Beary found himself...
...in bed he looked over and laying across his arm was a real ugly dog fast asleep.*I think I must have had a few to many beers last night, how could I have gone home with such an ugly dog?*
Beary wondered how the hell he had gotten into this situation but first he had to get out of there without waking the ugly dog.
So he...
quietly, as quietly as he could, took a near by rock. BUt as he did that the ugly dog started tostir so Bearie kissed the mutt and he/she relaxed. Bearie then as quietly as he could took the rock and BASHED THE DOG WITH IT (owww)....at least the dog was now unconcious and Beary could make his way back to where ever.But beary was wong to hit the poor little doggie over the head with a rock because......
... the rock was actually a member of the turtle police in disguise.Although Beary didn't know this because...
he had never ever had turtle before, not to mention he was a vegitarian before.Even becoming a vegitarian was an interesting story, it all begun when......
...he bcame a vegetarien surprisingly enough. WHne he was young Bearie had seen a vegetable dancing so well, that he felt that meat just couldn't compare. But in order to prove his devotion to vbegetables he had to...
...reassemble all meat products to their former state of animalness and send them packing.The vegetables were hence very impressed with this show of devotion...*and creativity* they thought as they stared curiously at some new breed of chicken-pig.
The dancing vegetable hence...
started doing the charleston, thinking that doing the hideous dance they could ward of Bearie. But the almost work. The reason it didn't work because......
... vegetables ahve no legs and there for cannot dance.
"Oh well. It was a good idea." said the carrot as he was devoured by Bearie. WHen bearie's appitite for the botanical world was satified, he went on to...
go to a circus, sit on stage and play the piano.Bearie loved to play the piano. BUt when he reached the circus he noticed that.....
... there was not kpiano. Only a banjo and a violing bow. This gave Bearie an idea.he approache dthe ring master.
"Hey, I have an idea that will make the circus so much money. All you gotta do is..."
"get that lion there" he pointed to a lion " and that little dwarf there, get him to play the banjo so the lion will eat him up and start cleaning his teeth with the violin bow.... how about it"the circus master looked at bearie "Naww....that won't work, we tried it last time and the loin got diarhea....we never tried that again."
"oh" replied bearie, but before he could give another idea he was interrupted by.....
a flying wooly mamothing asking people "Do you 'ave any spare change"Beary started throwing up violently because he had an allergy to spare change.
He ran out into the...
the wooly mammoth...no wait the wooly mammoth actually fell on him and this was because.....
... the Wooly Mammoth suddenly found himself lacking all of her legs. This was due to an intriguing conspiracy involving...
french people that had turned away from eating frog legs and were now exploring a new delicacy, but this story is somewhat gruesome and shall be ignored....ahem...ok, so here's beary all confused in the middle of a carnival when suddenly he meets, yes, a moose that was set loose by a yak in a sack, heading straight for beary. What was beary to do except....
go with the flow and became a Scary Beary and frightened the moose into stopping and turning tail.So he went to the Yak in the Sack and began to beat it furiously with a....
big rack. Clearly the yak in the sack wasn't enjoying the experience so much so that he uttered the most horific sound ever. It was singing.....
"Raindrops keep falling on my head" by Burt Bacharach. In the nearby tent, a secret meeting was being intrerrupted by the r-'ACK'-et..."Tony, youse gadder up de dames and we can get Vito to pull de car around."
But Tony had udder..er..other ideas.
he wanted to sing with beary too...I mean, how come a crazy bear could sing a lovely crazy song when it wasn't even raining when he was all cooped up in a tent playing 'mutzi' with ten people, and that was his favorite song too.So knowing his "boss" wouldn't understand, tony took out a really sharp knife to 'deal' with him, when all of a sudden....
...A slice of cheese waddled up (in the way cheese does) and telepathically told Beary to eat him instead, but...
... as it turned out, he was lactose intolerant, causing him to...
do stand up comedy. Oh tthe HORROR!!! But to prevent this the cheese tried to eat beary instead, but this was prevented by.....
...nothing! so the cheese ate beary.unfortunately for the cheese, it didn't have a digestive system and so was forced to improvise one quickly, before beary's size split his cheesyness in twain, using...
...the amazing splitting ability which all cheese seems to have, in order to divide itself wide enough to swallow beary. But sadly for the cheese, having been split, beary proceeded to flee in terror for dear life. But not before....
...the cheese got frustrated with itself and ripped its own head off.this severely disturbed...
...hunk of lactose could no longer think. Or rather it could think, but only the left half could do any long term planning. The right half still did thinking, but now it was stuck with only short-term abilities.While the left half was too busy getting bored and counting points on the wall, the right half was planning....
how to survive the rapidly falling foot that was abou...beary searched and searched for his wallet. he swore he dropped it somewhere around that cheese slice that seemed to have disappeared.
..."is this floor squishy or is it just me?"
Beary picked up his paw to examine the yellow gunk which was now on the bottom, having squished the left side of the cheese. He jumped back in shock, only to the trip and fall."Gee, it's early for an eclipse," mused the right cheese, which of course didn't have a bit of logical thougt either. So naturally, it didn't see the fluffy white thing crash down on it.
Beary got up to run to the shower, where....
...hehe (enough said)...
...the vegetarian polar bear did not notice the annoying thin girl he stepped on, so....
...who happened to be carrying an umbrella and safely got away unharmed.beary on the other hand was mentally distressed at what his careless actions nearly resulted in! so much infact that he went to a psyciatrist, dragging the shower behind him as it got caught around his ankle, and relayed the traumatic episode of how he'd nearly crushed a vision of lovelyness who, thankfully and ever so smartly, happened to be carrying an umbrella.
beary's psyc slapped him for such carelessness and nearly commiting such a blasphamous deed as crushing the vision of loveliness.
VISION-OF-LOVELINESS!
anywho, after 3 years of solid therapy, beary was prescribed PO-TA-TOES by stupid fat hobbit called...
...Sam, who had been employed as a psychotherapist even since being dumped by Frodo. See, Sam became a bit psycho after that event. Everywhere he went, people mocked, "There's a pissed" to differentiate his drunkness from the usual run of the mill drunks.Which lead to...
...sam killing them cos they tried certain stuff....stupid orcs.
tackey ring, must be destroyed.
stubble update: manly ruggedness
...
beary backed away slowly, ever so slowly...
"WAAAAIIIIITTT!"....came a cry from his hobbit psyciatrist, sam, brandishing some sort of bubble bath...
"Your sins," he cried. "Your sins, I must wash away your sins!""What sins?" Beary shot back. "Look, I haven't got any sins. Those are the things you find on the street, tell you where to go."
"Let's just go on as if nothing happened," said Sam. "Look, I'm your doctor, so I know what I'm talking about. You've got to get clean. Then fed."
"Oh no," said Berry, his voice taking on an Italian accent. "Your'a no feedin' me to anything."
Sam approached with the bubble bath...
...and beary took cautious steps backwards, away from the fat hobbit...*strangely cute though....NO! am not pervy hobbit fancier, am NOT pervy hobbit fancier!*beary avoided looking directly at sam and tried thinking of other things... *frooodooooooo...NO! sam will kill me if i try anything. ARG! am NOT PERVY HOBBIT FANCIER!!!*
*cough*"bullshit! bullshit!"*cough* came a chorus from out of nowhere.
so, beary, the vegetarian pervy hobbit fancying polar bear, tried averting his gaze and mind from anything that remotely screamed 'hobbit'. it was then that he noticed a small tag attatched to the bubble bath in sam's hand.
he squinted to get a closer look:
Quote:Lord Elrond'sprivate bubble bath. Hands Off!...
Beary drops the bath and it lands on him foot. YOWL. He lifts it back up and puts it aside. "Whose Lord Elrond anywayz?"A large orange appearing from nowhere answers "well he's the...."
...King of the Eggplants don't you know. I'd thank you to have some respect. A pervy-Hobbit fancier such as yourself can get in with the wrong crowd around here."Beary looked around to see where exactly "here" was and found that he was in fact in the Shire. Rosey faced, curley headed hobbits ran gayley (quite literally) round his ankles. Beary drooled but restrained himself because...
because he was cured of his hobitto-syndrom!!! "YEah" cried Beary when he realised this. But little did he know.....
... that this was because he was under a spell cast upon him by Scouron, Dark Lord of the Washing up bowl. He had heard of Beary's arrival, and from the depths of Sink-Doom, Scouron had already started plotting Bearys demise.To carry this out, he needed several conditions including...
...tooth paste, cyanide, thunder and lightening (for a dramatic effect) and Merry, we all know why he really needed Merry though...Once he had these things Scouron set out...
for the wonderful wizard, for the wonderful wizard of Bida. But Beary wasn't stupid, for he was crazy but not stupid, as he was the first bear to ever know how to count from 1 to 3.Beary kenew something was going on and so he wanted to investigate this further so he went to near by detective agency and seeked...
...someone who looked suspiciously like Alred Hitchcock. "I am sorry," said this detective, "but I have a major case to work on already, about Sparrows divebombing people. Do, however, seek out this other detective, Rick. As time goes by, you will find he is far better suited to your case."And so Beary set out to seek Rick in...
meantime we cut to see dancing strawberries, look strawberries that dance, weeeeeeeee, okay, now we cut back to Beary. Beary is now looking around and asking every person whether he is Rick, but little does Beary know....
...Rick was really a gerbil. What Beary also didn't know was that Rick lived in one of the deepest gerbil holes in Mongolia.After searching for many hours without luck, Beary...
...ate a stick of lemon rind.He then decided to go back to searching for his wallet...*no wait...what was i searching for? "who are you again?" he queried to the adorably short, fat human looking thing with orange hair.
Who was infact Barney the purple dinasaur....wait if he was purple why the orange hair?Barrney, who was smoking a cigerette and snarling at passing Hobits anwsered "Its becasuse the punk look is is."
"Ohhhh kayy" Said Beary who then asked "......
...Have you seen Rick? He about gerbil height, with a gerbilish build and a rather gerbilful look about him?"To whic Barny replied...
"Hehe, no" said Barney in his goofy way "But i will sing a Gerbil song though.But before Barney could wiggle his tail and utter the horrid words of a barney song *shudder*.........
...Barny spontaniously combusted into a flaming spectacle of purple and orange fireworks!Beary was dumbfounded as he gazed up at the sky and wiped clean his now soot covered face. Just as he did so a little gerbal head popped up from out of the ground before him.
"What the HELL was that noise?" demanded the gerbal.
"Huh? oh nothing! just a spontaniously combusting dinosaur. Who are you?"
"Rick!"
Beary gasped in shocked delight. "Rijiki! Rickse! Ricjk...Ahem...RICK! i've been looking all over for you!"
"Really? What for?"
"I..." Beary paused, stumped. "Ah bugger...i forgot. Can you help me remember?"
With that...
Rick said "No, and even if i did i wouldn't tell you cause i don't like being bothered" with tthathe disappeared.Beary grew sad and sat down on the side walk.
"Nobody likes me" he said.
"Thats not true, i like you" and when beary looked around the voice belonged to....
...his old phsyciatrist, Sam!...
"Sam!" Said Beary, happy that someone answered him.But Sam looked surprised "Beary? Sorry i thought you were Clancy, gotta find Clancy." And with that Sam huddled off.
Beary was sinking into another round of depression when a bright blue light appeared, and a faery God-Ducky appeared.
The Ducky with the wand said......
"Bearie, don't you want to be a real bear?" she smiled, which promted bearie to say....
"I'm already a real bear - a real bear to deal with." While the groaning at the bad pun occured, she....
...decided that, regardless of the insurance package, the 401k plan, and the limitless Frequent Flitting Miles she was racking up, the whole Faery God-Ducky business just wasn't for her. Gearing up to deliver the bad news to Beary, she...
...thwapped him hard over the head with her wand rendering him unconcious.It was so much easier to deliver bad news to people, especially vegetarian polar bears formally known as pervy hobbit fanciers, when they were unconcious!
So with Beary unconcious, she let the bad news flow...
"Now Beary," she said, speaking directly and osmotically to his cerebral cortex, "you must remember that, in the grand scheme of things, you are still ostensibly a bear, and are responsible for acting in an appropriately ursine manner. Furthermore," she continued, beginning to get the spirit for the thing, "you must realize that this may be the last straight piece of information you'll be receiving for quite some time, and you must keep a stiff upper--um--uh--fleshy part around your upper jaw if you are to make any progress."Beary, unaware of the proceedings on any level save the subconscious...
...mumbled some form of incoherent rambling and his leg twitched violently.The fairy hovered, mouth a'gape and stunned! For Beary had just spoken the impossible language,...
...Esperanto, a horrid attempt at a noble goal. The faery, however, owing to long, largely-incomprehensible years of Magic Duckdom, recovered rapidly, closed her previously-gaping maw, and tried her God-Duckiest to parlay a seemingly futile situation into...
a small blue fruit. When this failed, she...
So she magically brought someone of beary's intellect abracadabra and poof appeared...Homer Simpson?Homer: "D'OH!"
the ducky godmother looks at him, "Homer, you have been called to do something. You are to guide Beary"
Beary, however, reacted to this differently, awaken from his sleep.....
... he proceeded to bite his toenails and pull out his fur. This was only ceased when...
Homer, acting at the behest of the God-Ducky, said, "No, Beary, you can't go on eating yourself. Imagine the sound of doughnuts being glazed and repeat that sound like a mantra. It's sort of a hissing sound, representing the honey being spread over the baked, circular goodness of The One True Doughnut. Deep, isn't it?"Beary, true to his bearish, shitting-in-the-woodsish nature, found an instinctive way to dig on Homer's saccharine dialectics vis a vis The Doughnut Within, and, diverging from the typical physics of his vocal chords, hissed his sibilant "Om" to The One True Doughnut. The honey, it seemed, was the real impetus for his sudden ascension to enlightenment, and it took a fat, white man drawn by cartoonists with heavy amphetamine addictions to bring Our Ursine Protagonist to his present rarefied state.
The God-Ducky, sensing her obsolescence...
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The Story Lines Game Redux
NOTE: A single post is missing here. Sorry about that --Admin
The Story Lines Game Redux
...Place where she had Eric tied up so she could hold him hostage and make some money off the land people. Eris however, had other ideas and had started to...
The Story Lines Game Redux
enunciate them at length, when a twentysomething-looking black man burst upon the scene.
"Where the hell am I?" Fate said, obviously out of sorts. "Wait a minute. We're in the wrong goddamn Forum, aren't we Bob?"
As luck would have it, we certainly were.
"Bob, if you insist on doing dumb shit like this, you know they're going to kick you out, don't you?"
And I had to admit that the man had a point. We left, leaving the Story (as it were) In Progress right around...
The Story Lines Game Redux
when Eric suddenly said "Halt! Who goes there" Both Bob and Fate turned around to find themselves face to face with Eric.
"Who are you?" They both siad in unison, puzzled.
Eric replied "Why i am the..."
The Story Lines Game Redux
"...Boy From El Segundo," his voice rising several octaves.
Fate looked at me--uh--Bob, and said, "this is your fault. Godhead Narrator-man can't even script us outta this buncha nonsense. Maybe I should just tell my OWN damn story"
Fate, for being as powerful as he was, had a tendency to anger the wrong presences in the universe, and so he was teleported to New Jersey. Wearing a dress. Take that, you arrogant fictional character.
Eric, noting the obvious power that The Narrator had over his destiny, decided to play it cool. He stood there, biding his time, waiting for The Narrator to either send him away to some unpleasant locale, or just spin his future off in some odd, tangential direction, seemingly unconnected to any past event.
Bob--er, uh--I decided to be a merciful Writer, and let him off easy. Eric found himself in Tahiti, swaying with the wind, the surf, and the locals. He thought that his esoteric, arbitrary existence could get no better. But then...
The Story Lines Game Redux
the whole island started to shake and quake and the birds in the trees flew away, and a big growl was heard from all around. Eric stood his ground fiercly, saying only tow words out in exasperation "Now what!"
The growling continued louder, and Eric found the source of it- his stomach. *Time to eat something, or somebody :twisted: * So he headed of to explore the island for some tasty treats, but out from nowhere came...
The Story Lines Game Redux
...this foreign, exotic, blond-haired *curly, by the way* goddess 8O ...
"Eric, you are hungry, no?" Eric simply stood there speechless.
"Um, um, um, um..."
"Donta be shy. What you want?" :oops:....and then, birds started to chirp and the tigers were roaring.
Poor Bob did not even know what was going on. "Where's Eric? Dear god! What is happening to him?????"
The Story Lines Game Redux
That's right...he was being lectured on space time relativity!
"The horror! THE HORROR!" Screamed a herd of crocodiles with chicken sock-puppets.
The Story Lines Game Redux
... But the sock puppets were amazed by this 'space time relativity' unlike their scaley green counter parts, and decided that they would set out to start off their own STR lecture.
However, on removing themseves from the crocodiles, the foudnthemselves lifeless nad unable to move. Seeing this depressing display of hopes crushed by the nature of symbiotic relatinships, Eric...
The Story Lines Game Redux
and wished for a help to appear.
Then he saw in a distance this red light, and heard the sound of padded feet walking upto him, and heard a weird voice "ET phooonnnee hoome" said the little creature paddding even closer.
Erci looked puzzeled at the creature "Hows that gonna help us"
Et looked at him with his big eyes and said "How the hell am i supposed to know. I'm here for the mother ship!" and he started to pad away when suddenly....
The Story Lines Game Redux
the mother ship appeared....a yellow light filled the vaccum and 30 little green men came out followed by Barbarella.
"Holy Shit!!!" cried Eric, "a mothership...oh me god, its Barbarella..."
ET looked at the poor human and started laughing hysterically. "Humanoid suck." He then proceeded to bonk Eric on the head with a coconut and dragged him to Barbarella's feet where...
The Story Lines Game Redux
...tiny leprachauns danced an irish jig.
He was forced to watch this absurd display for years on end, till finally, one day...
The Story Lines Game Redux
...his mind snapped, like a twig stepped on in the forrest. Not that there was much of a mind left to snap after the display, having drastically reduced his ability to think. His first clue was a sign which appeared to him, and read in incoherent quasi-Latin:
IGNOTIUM PER IGNOTIUS
Nobody of course ever had any idea what this phrase meant, least of all the author of this section of the story lines game. King Kong having died for our sins and his mind having snapped, the quasi-autobiographical nature of this section was revealed in this sentance. A fragement. Another. Then a sentance revealed the story had gone self-referential.
Gandalf is still screaming....
Eric began to mumble gibberish and drool. ET blinked before turning to write in his journal....
The Story Lines Game Redux
and then Eric proceeded to ask, "What have you been smoking?" :o
The Story Lines Game Redux
... to which he responded "FIVE TONS OF FLAX!" and fell flat on his back....
The Story Lines Game Redux
"ohh..." he replied back "Could you tell me who your supplier is, cause mine just quit on me" to which ET looked back at him funnily because....